About six months ago I wanted to try something that I had been calling ‘poetic prose’, which I had seen on Instagram. I don’t know what the literary term for the style actually is, but I often find that in the absence of knowledge, making stuff up as you go along will do the job. The style was a combination of prose (paragraphs of writing, using correct syntax and grammar – stories and essays are both examples of prose) and poetry (poetry takes on so many forms, it is pretty hard to define). The main area of poetry that I wanted to focus on when I was writing my ‘poetic prose’ was the melodic tone and tempo of the writing, so although on the surface it seemed like a paragraph of writing, it had a rhythm and a flow of words that suggested poetry. I’m not sure if I’m making any fucking sense here, so apologies if I’m not explaining it very well. I’ve always known that when it comes to writing I have certain limitations – I don’t have the imagination to write fiction, I type in the same way that I speak and I can’t condense my writing down in order to be good at poetry. This style of writing seemed like a decent enough compromise between the two, so I wanted to give it a go. I ended up writing quite a lot of them about a lot of different shit. Most of them were utter garbage, to be fair, but there were a few good ones in there and there were even one or two that I was quite proud of, so I thought I’d put a few on here. No one has ever read these before, apart from me. Not because I haven’t wanted anyone to, I’ve just never had a platform for them. Because they’ve never been read, I’m sure there’s every chance they’re probably not as good as I think they are, but hopefully, they’re alright.
Drum roll please……
What I wish I had already known.
See that chance you’re so afraid of taking? Take it anyway. See that person you’re so afraid of getting close to? Get close to them anyway. See that dream you’re so afraid of chasing? Chase it anyway. Before you even know it, that chance, that person, that dream will become just another missed opportunity, just another memory, another ‘what if’. If you get the chance to hold someone, hold them as though you would drown if you let go. If you get the chance to kiss someone, kiss them as though your life depended on it. If you get the chance to love someone, love them with every ounce of your being, with everything you have. Savour each moment that passes, appreciate all that you have while you have it. Love openly, honestly, with no regrets. One day, with your bones worn by age and your heart weakened by times passage, these memories of love will be all that you have to look back on. Now is the time to make them memories that will be worth remembering.
Be by your own side
All too often we put our happiness in the hands of someone else, we let the words and actions of other people define who we are, we lose ourselves in the process of giving our all to the ones we love. It is easy to forget that we are in control of our own lives, we decide who stays and who goes, we decide which parts of ourselves we give away to others and which parts we keep only for us. Give your love freely, help those who need it, trust those who earn it, but never lose sight of the fact that your feelings are your own and that you, and you alone, decide what is right for you and what is not. This is your life and you should never let anyone or anything play a more integral role in the choices you make than yourself. You are your most important investment, you will never spend as much time with another person as you do with yourself. Trust your own judgement, trust your own instincts, and trust yourself to make the decisions that bring you peace.
The last time ever I saw your face.
I can hardly remember the last time we were together, it didn’t seem significant then. Just another encounter, just another conversation, just another kiss, just like all the others. There are so many things I would have done differently if I had known we would never see each other again. All the things I would have said, all the things you needed to know. I would have committed your voice, your smell, your touch to memory, carved it in there like initials on a tree trunk, letting everything grow around it, safe in the knowledge that if I ever needed to return, to experience you one more time, I could. Do you think of me? Maybe you don’t now, maybe you’re too busy living your life, but I hope one day that you will. Maybe if we happen to think of each other at the exact same moment we will somehow know, somehow feel it. It might not change anything, but I will know that at least I did not love you for nothing.
The name’s Bond, Mother and Son Bond
I never planned to be a mother. It was never in the cards I had dealt for myself. There was no maternal instinct, no desire for children. I could hardly look after myself. When I discovered you were coming, whether I liked it or not, I fully immersed myself in the idea of being a mother. It was difficult, but as soon you were in my arms, I felt the stirrings of a fierce love and a need to protect you at all costs. Over the years I have made mistakes, more than I care to remember, but you have helped me dust myself off and carry on. For the last 5 years, I have done the job of raising you alone. The challenges we have faced together, you and me, have made me love you in a way that I didn’t think I was capable of. There have been countless times when I have felt like a failure, and I’m sure there will be countless more. I have wished that things could be different for you, easier, less challenging. I have spent many a lonely night watching you sleeping peacefully beside me, longing for the time back, so I could do things differently. But, do you know what? You are a truly exceptional child, so loving, so clever, so intuitive, so switched on. I did that. Me. On my own. So, yeah, things could be different, better even, but fuck it, the way things are is something to be proud of.
Well, that’s all I’m gonna put up. For now at least. The rest are either not that great or too personal to share. I’m not really one for letting people have insight into how I really feel. I think these are alright though, they give a bit of me away, but not too much that I can’t take it back if I need to. Once you give too much of yourself away, it’s impossible to get it back. Let me know what you think, if you want.